How to Stage Your Womb

Maybe you haven’t met the right person until recently. Or perhaps you’ve been working your way up the corporate ladder to a “senior”-level position you never wanted with little to no underlings. Either way, you’ve most likely been an absent landlord, wittingly or unwittingly evicting any and all gametes caught squatting in your spare womb. This may have given a false impression that your womb would never host immature humans.

If you are willing to put in the work, there is a way to turn things around and convince reluctant blastocysts that the neighborhood has become a more welcoming place.

Follow these steps and the next embryo that enters your womb will have no choice but to implant itself and will, no doubt, decide to stay and gestate.

Step 1: Clear Away the Clutter

First things first, you must clear the way for an embryo to enter your womb. Clutter can be a make-or-break issue. If the entryway is blocked, sperm can not make it to the egg and you will need to declutter.

I have found personal inspiration in the KonMari method of decluttering. You can do this by going piece by piece and asking yourself if it sparks joy. If the answer is no, you can discard the scar tissue without regret. If it does spark joy, leave it alone.

Maybe you have some sentimental attachment to your tissue. For instance, it may have been a gift from a past lover that you’re emotionally hanging on to. In this case, you can save the tissue in a keepsake box and hang it in the back of your closet to look at from time to time.

Setting up a command center in the entryway will help ensure that pesky clutter will not once again build up in your fallopial halls. Remember, it is up to you to continue to maintain this area once it is clutter free. You’ll be amazed how the small act of tidying your tubes each day can really change your life!

Step 2: Give the Walls a Fresh Coat of Paint

As you probably know, recently fertilized eggs prefer to be on the cutting edge of style. An accent wall in a deep red hue will give your womb a more contemporary feel without seeming like you’re trying too hard.

After so many D&Cs, your uterine wall has been scraped into oblivion. It’s time to get a fresh coat of paint on those walls to make them more appealing to a potential human.

Prior to taking this step, you’ll want to make sure all the scabs from your latest D&C have been sloughed off and evacuated. I’ve never met a subletter that would want to associate that kind of scene with a potential living space. It is best to steer clear of the issue entirely.

Step 3: Find a Balance Between Empty and Cozy

A womb that’s been empty for so long will likely have an inexplicably cold ambiance. Your guest will be more likely to stay long enough if you create a cozy vibe. All you need to get this feeling is strategically placed throw pillows along your pelvic floor. This serves a second purpose by simultaneously blocking the exit. With no way out and a snuggly pillow, that zygote will never want to leave.

Step 4: Make use of Multi-functional Furniture

Multi-functional furniture is major space-saver and great to use in cramped spaces. Since you want to keep your tenant for the full gestational period without the slightest contract, make sure that any furniture can be easily tucked away as your new resident begins to fill the space.

Just be patient and remember that it is a seller’s market. Your chances of success are higher than any other time in our history. Make your place as stylish and cozy as possible and they’ll be sure to stick around.


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